| I miss you... |
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| 06:19pm 23/07/2004 |
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So I close my eyes
Let the whole thing pass me by
There is no time
To waste asking why
I'll run away with you by my side
I'll run away with you by my side
I need to let go, let go, let go, let go of this pride,
Until this echo, echo, echo, echo in my mind
Until this echo, echo, echo, echo can subside
Jared, there is no time to waste asking why....the fact is you are gone...and I'm not sure when we will ever meet again. I miss you and I love you with all my heart. I just wish there could be one last time that we could speak and I could tell you exactly what you mean to me. But here isn't our time is gone. If you would have just asked I would have run away with you. You have always been by my side and now, NOW what do I have??? |
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| ...Go Ask Alice.... |
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| 08:57pm 12/04/2004 |
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"..........While I waited for him to get the call through I looked at myself in the mirror. I can't believe that I have changed so little. I expected to look old and hollow and gray, but I guess it's only me on the inside that has shriveled and deteriorated......"
I have tried so hard to tell myself that your gone...but the fact is Jay, you'll always be with me. And there won't be a single day that goes by when I dont think of the pain you must have been in and I will never forget the love that you gave me. And if I could have just one wish it would to bring you back and hug you and hear you call me "Mom" just once more. You will forever be in my heart.... |
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| Sometimes I thank God for unanswered prayers.... |
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| 09:05pm 18/03/2004 |
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I'm at a complete and total loss in my life right now. I know what your thinking..."Megan is always at a complete and total loss in her life." I guess thats true too... The minute I think I have it all figured out, something happens that just fucks it all up again.
I thought I knew what I wanted, and then things happen, things that I don't want to get into. People say stuff outta the blue that just take you by total suprise.
I wish I had things easier. I wish I had a plan and that I had stayed in school. Maybe if I stayed in school then I would have some sort of direction. Maybe if I stayed in school then I would have a life and friends to hang out with and I wouldn't feel like the oldest 20 year old out there.
It just seems like everyone has someone...their "go-to person" if you will. I used to know who that was and now, NOW I just don't. People always say that they will always love me and they will always be here for me and how beautiful I am and what a good person and friend I am. How am I supposed to believe that when everyone who has said that in the past has betrayed me in one way or another an has left me alone. How can I believe? |
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| In my head I’ve got everything I want in you... |
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| 09:20pm 13/01/2004 |
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I was driving home from work tonight and I was listening to this CD. I go through times where I listen to it all the time 'cause it reminds me of a lot of different things. Times I spent with Kellie, one of my best friends, 'cause she got me interested in this band again. And then there are those times that weren't so good and all that was there for me was this CD. My friend told me that I listen to the most depressing music, and I laughed and said that it makes me happy. But as I think about it, the lyrics aren't all that depressing. Music is whats there for you when you want to drown the world out and get lost for a while. Music can lift you up and actually form a life of its own. Some songs make me cry, some songs make me happy, its just the way it goes. You can relate to those "rockstars" through there music, because they say exactly what you are feeling. It gives you a connection to someone or something when you are at your lowest of lows. And although this band may not be my favorite...I identify with so many of there songs....
I wipe the night from my eyes
Block out the sunny day and I hide
Everything’s falling down around us
I’m just missing the rain
I’m happier now today
Don’t let me down
Don’t let me go
A change of seasons inside her mind
In time I’ll decide
In time I’ll decide to move on
We change directions, we watch the tides
And we borrow too much
We form restrictions and we form lines
And we separate you from me
Sometimes, sometimes we carry more weight than we own
Oh but sometimes sometimes goes on
Night takes the light by the hand
Tunes out the boring day and cries out loud
Everyone’s hanging on, hanging on my words
It kills the thrill in being divine
But she’s happier now today
Don’t let her down
Don’t let her go
There are no reasons there are no lies
We just bleed together
That’s how we realize
We change directions we watch the tides
And we borrow too much
We form restrictions and we form lines
We separate you from me
Sometimes sometimes we carry more weight than we own
Oh but sometimes sometimes goes on
Somehow we’ll find a way we’ve got to paste it back together
These ripped out pages of old coloring books where your
Gold is silver, my blue is gray
Its all held together by cellophane tape
But we change directions, we watch the tides
And we borrow too much
We form restrictions and we form lines
We separate you from me
Sometimes sometimes we carry more weight than we own
Oh but sometimes sometimes goes on
In my head I’ve got everything I want in you |
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| 07:14pm 05/12/2003 |
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I was thinking of writing something profound and interesting and now nothing is coming to me.
I'm at a complete loss for words.
All I can think about is the pizza thats on its way here.
Gee I'm so smart. |
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| A day off... |
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| 05:09pm 03/11/2003 |
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I'm done with wondering why Evan doesn't care about me...You know I've wasted a lot of time thinking about him. I threw away perfectly good relationships because they weren't him. No guy can touch me or hold me the way he does and I have to deal with it. I have to get past it. Yeah he makes me feel a little less crazy and a little less hurt, but only when I'm with him. What the hell does he do for me when we aren't together. And while we are on that note...half the time we are together, he's drunk, I'm sober, we sleep together and whose the one that gets hurt...ME. He doesn't care, he doesn't care at all...thats what kills me. Ok so I go on right, thats what your supposed to do. Well little did I know that he was gonna come back in my head and ruin every relationship with a guy I've tried to have. So what do I do, I pretend. I pretend that maybe one day he'll realize what he has waiting for him. I pretend that he does care and that he is just bad at showing it. I pretend that every guy I'm with is him. WELL WELL WELL...that fucks me over more than he ever could...
I realized that I do this to myself. I put myself in these situations that are impossible to get out of. I drive myself crazy. I drive myself crazy. |
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| 07:01pm 29/09/2003 |
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mood:  cheerful
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I just got home from a really good day at work, no traumas-no nothing. Just plan old fun. Days like these make me remember why I love my job.
Anywho-I went to a car show yesterday, lemme tell you....so many hotties. Too bad most of them were thugs or wannabe thugs...lol. Saw some cars I would like to buy in the future and have my good ol' buddy Justin make it all pretty for me. HAHA! I love how I volunteer him for things he doesn't even know about yet.
Well I'm off to do nothing! |
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| Cold Turkey....blah... |
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| 10:21pm 25/09/2003 |
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mood:  sick music: My fan going 'round 'n 'round....
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So I just threw up my seventh meal that I've eaten. I hope its because I quit all my meds cold turkey. Yuck!!! =(
I miss my home...you can take the girl outta New York, but you can't take the New York outta the girl!!(right ris??)
grrr...I'm feeling shitty...
So, I drew blood from my puppy for the first time today. Thats a major step in my field and I'm pretty proud of myself. I'm glad it was my dog, 'cause I would have been more nervous if it had not been.
Yeah up to 3 dogs now. A terrier mix, a maltese and a pit bull...hahah...
Love 'em all though. They just stress my kitty out so she is being shipped over to my dad's house. How sad, poor poor Emily...
Anywho...I'm gonna get my sick ass to bed...hopefully my withdrawls will subside soon!!! Keep your fingers crossed!!!! |
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| 04:49pm 22/09/2003 |
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In light of recent events, I've decided to write more often...just so I have something to fill my time with.
Dennis-You are a true person. Never once have you let me down or made me cry unless it was for good things. You are so strong and so real. So believe in yourself 'cause I believe in you.
Risa-My hair looks awesome. I'm so happy that I finally found you, the real you. Not the person who couldn't light their own cigarettes. haha...
I'm so glad I got to spend so much time with the two of you this weekend, its a shame it couldn't have been a longer visit....
Love you XOXOXO |
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| Miss you |
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| 09:23pm 31/08/2003 |
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A hundred days have made me older
Since the last time that I saw your pretty face.
A thousand lies have made me colder
And I don't think I can look at this the same.
All the miles that seperate
Disappear now when I'm dreamin' of your face.
I'm here without you baby
But you're still on my lonely mind.
I think about you baby and I dream about you all the time.
I'm here without you baby
But you're still with me in my dreams
And tonight, it's only you and me.
The miles just keep rollin'
As the people leave their way to say hello
I've heard this life is overrated
But I hope that this gets better as we go.
I'm here without you baby
But you're still on my lonely mind.
I think about you baby and I dream about you all the time.
I'm here without you baby
But you're still with me in my dreams
And tonight, it's only you and me.
Everything I know, and anywhere I go,
It gets hard but it want take away my love.
And when the last one falls, when its all said and done.
It gets hard but it want take away my love.
I'm here without you baby
But you're still on my lonely mind
I think about you baby and I dream about you all the time
I'm here without you baby
But you're still with me in my dreams
And tonight, girl, it's only you and me. |
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| 12:31pm 10/08/2003 |
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mood:  blah music: My air-conditioner
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Its my birthday tomorrow and like every other year, I am totally unenthused. I hate knowing that I'm not gonna really be able to spend it with the people I want to. Except for Jared, we are supposed to go out for drinks and dancing at no other place but the Strand. I would love for Dennis and Jae and Kellie to be there. But they can't and thats ok I guess. They will be missed. Its such a boring age to turn, 20, woohoo. Hopefully next year will surpass any other year.
I used to hate my birthday cause it was a reminder of a day that I wish never happened: the day I was born. I've slowly grown out of that. But some days I wonder where people would be had I never been born. |
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| So true..... |
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| 11:59am 10/07/2003 |
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"What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us." |
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| Haven't Updated In a While............ |
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| 12:53pm 09/07/2003 |
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Life is still the same right now...it goes on...
Its a never ending cycle for me, and nothing ever changes. But nobody said it'd be easy, nobody said it would be this hard.
So much is taken for granted and I realized that mostly through my trip to Africa. Where I thought I saw what the stars had in store for me.
Just take me back to the stars.....back to where things made sense in their uncertainty... |
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| 03:07pm 22/04/2003 |
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mood:  blank
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In the middle of the journey of life
I found myself in a dark wood
For I had lost the right path.
A darkness only visible to me because only I can see what is truly going on with me.
So in turn, I am still on my journey in those dark woods, taking my mistakes and baggage with me. Never once trying to pass on my problems to others, who clearly don't need it.
And so I'll wait for the day when I can come forth from my dark path and behold the stars. |
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| 05:11pm 30/03/2003 |
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mood:  cynical music: The movie~Shallow Hal
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So, I gave my 2 weeks notice last week, and this Friday I'm done with BMW. I feel really good about it and I'm happy my family seems to be supportive. So, I am on the job hunt again. Kinda sucks but oh well. I'm even toying with the idea of maybe school again. Try it out. But I feel like I'm lost. And I need someone to find me, and show me what I do thats so wrong.
******Without a soul
My spirit's sleeping somewhere cold
Until you find it there and
Lead.. it.. back... home.*****
I miss Dennis, my future husband, haha, the marriage will so be at cloisters. You better get your ass up here SOON!!
Much love to Jae, call me sometime soon.
Risa and Terry, you guys are great and I miss ya!
And Adam, I can't wait to see you sometime soon, hopefully very soon. |
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| I wish I was Special |
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| 09:27pm 07/03/2003 |
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You float like a feather....
I wish I was able to just float like a feather, just go where the wind takes me. It would be nice... |
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| 09:32am 01/03/2003 |
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How can you see into my eyes
Like open doors
Leading you down into my core
Where I've become so numb
Without a soul
My spirit's sleeping somewhere cold
Until you find it there and
Lead.. it.. back... home.
(Wake me up) Wake me up inside
(I can't wake up) Wake me up inside
(Save me) Call my name and save me from the dark
(Wake me up) Bid my blood to run
(I can't wake up) Before I come undone
(Save me) Save me from the nothing I've become.
Now that I know what I'm without
You can't just leave me
Breathe.. into me and make me real
Bring.. me... to life
(Wake me up) Wake me up inside
(I can't wake up) Wake me up inside
(Save me) Call my name and save me from the dark
(Wake me up) Bid my blood to run
(I can't wake up) Before I come undone
(Save me) Save me from the nothing I've become
Bring me to life
I've been living a lie
There's nothing inside
Bring me to life
Frozen inside without your touch
Without your love, darling.
Only.. you are the life among the dead!
All of this sight
I can't believe I couldn't see
Kept in the dark
But you were there in front of me
I've been sleeping a 1000 years it seems
I've got to open my eyes to everything
Without a thought
Without a voice
Without a soul
Don't let me die here
There must be something wrong
Bring me to life
(Wake me up) Wake me up inside
(I can't wake up) Wake me up inside
(Save me) Call my name and save me from the dark
(Wake me up) Bid my blood to run
(I can't wake up) Before I come undone
(Save me) Save me from the nothing I've become
Bring me to life
I've been living a lie
There's nothing inside
Bring me to life |
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| 03:32pm 17/02/2003 |
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mood:  sleepy music: The Calling~Where Ever You Will GO
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I'm not the sort of person who falls in and quickly out of love
But to you I gave my affection right from the start
I have a lover who loves me, how could I break such a heart
Yet still you gained my attention
Why do you come here when you know I've got trouble enough
Why do you call me when you know I can't answer the phone
You make me lie and I don't want to
You make someone else some kind of unknowing fool
You make me stay when I should not
Are you so strong or is all the weakness in me
Why do you come here and pretend to be just passing by
But I need to see you
And I need to hold you, tightly
Feeling guilty, worried, waking from tormented sleep
This old love has bound but the new love cuts deep
if I choose now, I'll lose out, one of you has to fall
But I need you, and you.
Why do you come here when you know I've got trouble enough
Why do you call me when you know I can't answer the phone
You make me lie and I don't want to
You make someone else some kind of unknowing fool
You make me stay when I should not
Are you so strong or is all the weakness in me
Why do you come here and pretend to be just passing by
But I need to see you
And I need to hold you, tightly
Feeling guilty, worried, waking from tormented sleep..... |
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| "You are everything I never knew I always wanted." |
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| 11:56pm 26/01/2003 |
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mood:  crazy music: Only Hope
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I thought I wanted your arms around me, to hold me tight til' I fell asleep. I wanted to be with you, but I held back. I held back so much of everything. I sacrificed my heart to give u what u wanted. You once told me you loved me. You once told me a lot of things. Has everything changed that much. Have I disappointed you? I never planned to have feelings for you, and now I can't stop thinking about you. I go crazy when you don't call. I go crazy when I know that you are with her. I go crazy over you and I don't know why. I never give this much time into another. I told you that I was the one going to be hurt, and you said that you wouldn't let that happen. Well look at me now...it has come to the point where I don't know what to do anymore. You understood me, you made me feel not-so-crazy when we all know perfectly well that I am. I blindly do what you ask of me, not noticing that you are slowly beginning to control me. You were so good at it that even you didn't realize you were doing it. Thats when I spoke out and thats when you disappeared from my life altogether....
So, I told you today that I care about you...and I'm still stuck here. I thought it may motivate you to do something. I thought that maybe you would admit to caring about me too.
I'm beginning to see that maybe you don't...but maybe you do...
You never talk to me...unless you are drunk and on an assortment of drugs...thats the only time it feels like you need me....
And now? I ask what comes of us now? |
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| 12:33pm 19/01/2003 |
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I don't remember how we happened to meet each other. I don't remember who got along with whom first. All I can remember is all of us together, always.
I'm sorry if I was the one who ruined it.
Goodbye to everything I thought I once wanted.
Goodbye to my dreams.
Heres to a new beginning....... |
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